Now, not that I don't appreciate everyone's concern over what must be my broken heart over a miserably failed relationship - but I do ask that some people consider their real motivators in slapping me together with their single friend. Namely, is it because we are "single"? Is that the only deciding common factor that I have with your super-cute friend? Because if it is, then we might run into some problems. Case in point:
My very well-meaning friend and her fiancee decided last Thursday that the time was ripe to introduce me to their single friend whose assets include being nice, employed, and single. Probably the most generic assets known to us single people everywhere, but usually those are enough to get you in the door so who am I to be picky?
I show up to the bar that was the established meeting place for the four of us, and right away I got an overload of a first impression. Tattoos everywhere, check. Smokes, check. Rogue eyeball, check. You get the idea.
Since I am the nicest person that I know when it comes to giving people chance after chance, I spent the whole night chatting my tattooed singleton up. My impression of him pretty much didn't change - he definitely was nice, and yes he drove a nice car and has a good job, but still - my compatibility-o-meter wasn't screaming for more.
His, on the other hand, was. He started to do that thing where he would laugh and touch my leg with his colorful, tattooed hand. He would get up and place his hand on my waist as he passed me even though there was tons of space for him to navigate past my chair. He kept squeezing my knee. But I get it, I have nice knees. When we went to go say goodbye he nestled me into a full body hug that lasted about 4 seconds too long, and made a noise like this "mmmmmmmmmmmm....:):):)"
Oh god. I confronted my dear friend afterwards and she couldn't stop laughing, as if this was all just for her amusement to begin with. Apparently, my smoking tattoo date has been a little too single for a little too long, and therefore might come off as a little overeager - "a little too willing to fall in love", as she put it, but isn't he nice? Oh yes, fantastic! Sign me up for some l-o-v-e!
So here are just a few, simple guidelines that I ask people adhere to when they think of me and then think of their single guy friend and decide to smash us together like plastic Barbie and Ken dolls:
- Please keep in mind that I don't smoke cigarettes, I never have and I never will. This probably means that I won't be able to kiss someone who is a chronic cigarette smoker. Think about all those people in other countries that eat ants and crickets and think it's the shit - I'm sure in their world critters taste great, but it's just something that people in my world will never get used to no matter how many times they try it.
- My mother might be one of the most accepting people I know, but she still has no notion of what "hardcore" is. Chances are if you walk into her house with tattoo sleeves, she will stare, and rightly so.
- Two single people do not a perfect match make. You might wonder why I agree to be set up then. It is because I have this thing where I hate to disappoint my friends when they get excited over something. Far be it for me to kill your giggly optimism, but I will work on saying "no" - please work on knowing my tastes.
And for you nice guys out there that do end up deciding that I'm not a complete bitch and I would be rather nice company to dinner or a movie, just one thing: Please don't touch me. I've known you for 47 minutes and it kind of works like museum rules: As much as you'd like to touch the nice looking things, you are prohibited until you get exclusive authorization.
1 comment:
I am going to say, that my first date at a strange person's wedding and having his ex-girlfriend stare me down the whole time is still the worst date ever. People like to try to fix me up just I'm single and until they realize that my standards are too high and give up looking for me. Good Luck and God Speed.
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