My Animalia Equivalents

For lack of inspiration on what to post about (since i promised certain readers i would blog today), i'm feeling the funny pictures will help get my brain warmed up. 

Here are some interesting animals depicting the day ins and day outs of my life:

This is me on most saturday nights, when i'm broke but just really need to get drunk:

I really like Rock Band, I just really get into the guitar part:

This is me when my friend told me she was pregnant:

I am into espionage, and I am a master of many disguises:

Can you see me?

How about now?

no, didn't think so.

I never did learn how to juggle, although I practice regularly sometimes on my days off. I can only do it with one object though:(

When I was in high school, I used to have to drive my friends around alot since I was one of the few kids in my group of friends that had a decent car. I didn't mind though, it was my pleasure:

I'm a pretty pathetic person to date - when i was in college and on the rebound from my first boyfriend, i used to give hot guys that i liked my number and sit around waiting for them to call:

Since then, i have become a little more confident and crafty in the ways of love. And who needs to date anyways when you can just stalk hot guys on Facebook while you're at work?

I'm not that hard to please, and living the single life has its perks. For example, when i'm not trying to post attractive pictures of myself on Facebook for people to admire and envy, I can let go of the facade at home and just let it all hang out!:

Don't get me wrong, I love meeting new people and going on dates, or just plain going out. But most people forget what it's like to be single when they've been in loving relationships for years and years. It's not all bouncy cleavage and steamy sex in the back of a club, or even mature conversations about your portfolio over endless glasses of vintage reds. Usually for me, it's just trying to figure out how you ended up at P.F. Changs listening to some guy drone on and on about how he wishes he could re-live his college glory days while you try not to look spaced out:

However, every so often I do meet that special someone. And when I do, you can be sure that the charm is turned up to 11:

But I digress. My dates are few and far between. Most of my days are filled with trucking my ass back and forth from downtown detroit, just trying to make ends meet and pay the bills. It is not all glamourous, let me tell you. Why, one time i was pulled over by the cops and through a case of mistaken identity had to wait for 45 minutes while they searched my vehicle and accused me of doing a drive by over on the west side!: 

Of course, they realized their mistake and let me go with apologies. But from thenceforth I was much more careful, and learned not to panic so much:

Additionally, I have made some resolutions for 2009 that will hopefully get my life back on track. Some are small steps that will progress towards a better future, and some are steps to help me maintain a healthy image of myself. Lately, my boochie cousins and I have been making attempts to get into better shape by going to workout class twice a week, which is fantastic because it lets us socialize with each other while we do something fun. It's helped me get a better attitude about getting out of my apartment, and overall created a more jovial mood:

Cousin Trina and I also have been trying to better improve how we photograph. She is getting married in the early summer and so we are taking this time to experiment with wearing makeup at ALL TIMES, that way we get more comfortable with looking good when taking pictures, so we don't end up looking gnarly in the wedding photos:

At the end of the day, I can feel calm and relaxed knowing that even though I'm not yet where I want to be in life, I'm well on my way. This feeling of peace and stillness is liberating, and I can happily say that it's helped me get a better good night's sleep.

Of course, there are those few nights where I do still have to take an ambien....

Goodnight!

Blog vows

Sooooo it has come to my attention that the following equation holds true for blogs:

daily updates + interesting subjects x good pictures = more people reading my blog

So, kindof like Cousin Pammy, I am going to do a post on my blog every day for as long as I can, and will try as hard as I can to make it sort of interesting.

Feel free to leave comments on my posts suggesting things I should talk about or gear towards - fashion? my life? things i have to complain about? my utter refusal to capitalize the beginning of sentences? The more comments that are posted to my site, the more I will be encouraged to talk about stuff you would like to read about when you are bored. I might also start a Facebook Page, but let's not get ahead of ourselves here.

That being said, the two people who DO read my blog - will you kindly leave links in the comments section to the following that I never knew existed and don't know how to find:

• Cousin Patrick's Blog (am extremely interested in my most mysterious cousin's musings and life in general)
  
• Your facebook page (if you have one) so I can stalk you to be my friend when I make my own.
• Links to your own blog so I can put it on my blogroll...I am very interested in you, you see:)

I'd like you to meet my single friend...

So, now that I'm officially OFFICIALLY single ("official" meaning "if I had the choice between peeling all of my skin off and having to talk to that lump of misery that was my boyfriend of three years, I'll start peeling) all of my friends have decided that I am the "perfect candidate" for their boyfriend's/fiancee's/husband's/dog's REEAAALLY CUTE and NICE friend that I have to meet - so what am I doing friday?

Now, not that I don't appreciate everyone's concern over what must be my broken heart over a miserably failed relationship - but I do ask that some people consider their real motivators in slapping me together with their single friend. Namely, is it because we are "single"? Is that the only deciding common factor that I have with your super-cute friend? Because if it is, then we might run into some problems. Case in point:

My very well-meaning friend and her fiancee decided last Thursday that the time was ripe to introduce me to their single friend whose assets include being nice, employed, and single. Probably the most generic assets known to us single people everywhere, but usually those are enough to get you in the door so who am I to be picky? 

I show up to the bar that was the established meeting place for the four of us, and right away I got an overload of a first impression. Tattoos everywhere, check. Smokes, check. Rogue eyeball, check. You get the idea. 

Since I am the nicest person that I know when it comes to giving people chance after chance, I spent the whole night chatting my tattooed singleton up. My impression of him pretty much didn't change - he definitely was nice, and yes he drove a nice car and has a good job, but still - my compatibility-o-meter wasn't screaming for more. 

His, on the other hand, was. He started to do that thing where he would laugh and touch my leg with his colorful, tattooed hand. He would get up and place his hand on my waist as he passed me even though there was tons of space for him to navigate past my chair. He kept squeezing my knee. But I get it, I have nice knees. When we went to go say goodbye he nestled me into a full body hug that lasted about 4 seconds too long, and made a noise like this "mmmmmmmmmmmm....:):):)"

Oh god. I confronted my dear friend afterwards and she couldn't stop laughing, as if this was all just for her amusement to begin with. Apparently, my smoking tattoo date has been a little too single for a little too long, and therefore might come off as a little overeager - "a little too willing to fall in love", as she put it, but isn't he nice? Oh yes, fantastic! Sign me up for some l-o-v-e!

So here are just a few, simple guidelines that I ask people adhere to when they think of me and then think of their single guy friend and decide to smash us together like plastic Barbie and Ken dolls:

1. Please keep in mind that I don't smoke cigarettes, I never have and I never will. This probably means that I won't be able to kiss someone who is a chronic cigarette smoker. Think about all those people in other countries that eat ants and crickets and think it's the shit - I'm sure in their world critters taste great, but it's just something that people in my world will never get used to no matter how many times they try it.
2. My mother might be one of the most accepting people I know, but she still has no notion of what "hardcore" is. Chances are if you walk into her house with tattoo sleeves, she will stare, and rightly so.
3. Two single people do not a perfect match make. You might wonder why I agree to be set up then. It is because I have this thing where I hate to disappoint my friends when they get excited over something. Far be it for me to kill your giggly optimism, but I will work on saying "no" - please work on knowing my tastes.

And for you nice guys out there that do end up deciding that I'm not a complete bitch and I would be rather nice company to dinner or a movie, just one thing: Please don't touch me. I've known you for 47 minutes and it kind of works like museum rules: As much as you'd like to touch the nice looking things, you are prohibited until you get exclusive authorization.

I'm Kan, the Louis Vuitton Don

When rap superstars and fashion superstars collide:

Lol.

The snack of the truly ghetto fab...

I'd love to see what glorious person was eating these:(You can't see it but the small writing on the purple strip says "stay in school")

Sometimes, I love this city. Sometimes.